Keep Up! & Wandering Inside My Head

I’ve been thinking what is happening to me lately. I’m in a normal town but my mind has been ‘wandering outside’ and I also feel like I’m trying to keep up on something.

I guess that hell mountain has given me a very traumatic experience beyond what I feel. Sometimes, I still cry inside, feeling pressured but I don’t know WHAT. I mean, I’m not there anymore but the feeling is still here, inside my deep heart. I think I have a scar on my heart without my own realize.

I’m in a normal town. I can get anything I want here but the attitude and mindset are not like I was used to be when living here before this. My mind keeps wandering out there even when I’m praying, when I’m cooking, when I’m ‘internet-ing’. I CAN’T CONCENTRATE. The prison that I felt before, I’m taking it with me. I don’t know. I should have been freed but I feel I haven’t. Perhaps, because of  the last nightmare I experienced in that hell mountain? I mean, it was so fast and I didn’t have any time to ‘calm down’ myself, made myself realize that I was about going to free. I left the hell mountain with the most nightmare memory I’ve ever had.

I also feel that I’ve lost my time there. I mean…I ‘lost’ my precious time. Yes, I did a lot of projects there but I just realize, I didn’t enjoy it. I did it like a prisoner: KILLING TIME! It’s not healthy because I was denying the situation instead accepting…

Now, I’m back with a sick mental: my mind keeps wandering not normally and on the other side, I feel like chasing the time I lost. It’s like: it’s the time, Nichan. Do as much as you can! So, I sew I sew I sew. It’s ok, though but it’s very uncomfortable when while sewing, my mind is wandering. So, those situation combines in such away…on one side: I always feel in hurry and on the other side, (i’m in hurry with) my mind is wandering out there.

I really want to cry right now. I can’t be at ease  myself because I’m afraid I’ll be loosing the time. I haven’t even ‘kept up’ the time lost.

I keep reminding myself that I’m in another town, very normal town, normal life: some other sucks neighbourhood (^.^)””, yet, it’s much more normal than one in that hell mountain, places to hang out, supply stores…It’s hard. It’s really hard.

Now, that I’ve realized what I’ve been trying: “keeping up” with the lost time, I think I must also remind myself all time that I shouldn’t do that because it’s useless. Enjoy the present time, each second…no hurry…no need to act busy whether in real or in mind. Everything is enjoyable, so no hurry in the supermarket, no hurry when shopping, no hurry when sitting at a cafe, no hurry when sewing, no hurry when when when…no hurry at anytime!

Enjoy, Nichan. I love you.

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Posted: Friday, November 20th, 2009 @ 1:36 am
Categories: Life.
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